*LordofPhoenixDawn

I have just returned from a very refreshing, very eventful, very fulfilling vacation. I have new perspective and a certain appreciation for things I didn't previously and I will get that out before recalling such events. At some point we all must learn to enjoy what we get and when it comes to life, you can only ask for so much at any given time.

I have learned alot during this past year and much of it has to do with family. What family means to some doesn't mean the same to others. When a mom doesn't come running to see you at the front door it's not the end of the world, it's just a simple shift in priorities for one reason or another. I was once my mom's only real obsession, my well being her main focus, my smothering her main goal. Now it seems as though the internet, the people behind the screen in some far off land, mean more than her own flesh and blood, somewhat to my relief. I can sympathize but I believe a face to face chat or a hug is far more valuable than a chat or phone call. Some are honest online, others, including her, not so much. She lies to me or withholds valuable information including serious illnesses from me...how am I supposed to believe or trust her...?I can't.

I can't say I'm perfect but I will say I have learned a lesson from a woman who has gone from a role model to a pitiful skeleton of her former self. Whether by my absence or her own ailments, I have watched her descend into a hell so vast that it will consume her in a fire only she can put out. I once denied this truth, tried to hide from it, even tried to change her, but now I have seen her continue on as though no one cares, so why should I care.....

I do...but will I try to change her at my own expense? No. Will I beg for her forgiveness for my leaving her when I became an adult? No. Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life because of her inability to cope? No. Will I burden myself with her turmoil and pain when it is not mine to bear? Not anymore. I have seen the coldness and the ignorance and I will no longer let it bring me down when I go to Florida for my semi annual trips or sit at home doing what I want to do. I will instead just enjoy the time with my friends, cousins, and father, who still make time for me.

I don't demand much, just that when I'm there, pay attention, don't stare at a computer screen and beckon me with tears of guilt. I see right through them....She knows I do and yet she continues. Pitiful only describes it a little but to describe it entirely would take far more time than I have to write this journal entry...-_-

A lesson has been learned and for all those years spent waiting for her to wake up, I could've enjoyed myself more. Now I can and I will never regret ignoring a phone call or an email. She ignores me. Treat others as you want to be treated. We all know this and someone twice my age should know it well. Why do parents think they can walk all over us when we are teens and then guilt trip us back into their nests in our 20s? Makes me sick. Can't they understand we grow up, same as they did...that we need our own lives, no smothering, no guilt, no hateful remarks. It's not necessary..If you truly love us you'll bloody tell us so without making yourselves look like 5 yr olds.

I saw my mother act like a spoiled 5yr old when I went home and she knew I was there, but she couldn't leave her chats. It's sickening really. All she had to do was walk 20 ft....but no her chats were more important. Well, I'll say this to her: Let the distance be what answers your calls for help for that is what you like.

There I feel better.....somewhat. It will take a few more days of journal writing offline to get it all out, cry a few more tears of regret for caring so much about someone who obviously doesn't anymore, and maybe then I can have clear vision. If she wants to live in her own misery behind the safety of a screen with no one to hug her, so be it.

Favorite Cat Pic for July:



Favorites of the Week:











Me in the morning ^_^